“She was perfect, pure maddening sex, and she knew it, and she played on it, dripped it, and allowed you to suffer for it.”Charles Bukowski - Factotum
Day by day it’s more impossible to cope.
I feel like I’m the one thats doing dope.
My Thursday free away from the cruise of productivity. Linen pants, white tank, and a breeze. Today has never been so relaxing. My head is clear for the day. Who knows for how long though? Feelings like this don’t last. But for the while, I’m thankful. I’m enjoying my day. I’m thankful for the realizations I’ve come to today. I’m thankful for the smiles and laughs I’ve seen today. Seeing the happiness of others, there’s relief. It makes you think of the smaller moments that have the lasting effect. I had an idea, daydreaming of a day. One day I want to make someone very happy. A clean pedestal standing high for this someone. One day, I will give this person everything. Everything until my last. With patience. I’m happy. A lovely day this has been. Laying on the Kenner concrete feeling the breeze tickle my face, hair blown slightly into my eyes, sticking to my lipgloss. This was a good day, for thought. I’ve come across moments laying here that I’d wish you would show up and lay along side of me. Run your fingers through my hair and tease down my body, nothing too serious. We’d lay and have clean chat. Locking fingers here and there. This breeze, my baby, has done nothing but blow these ideas, these ideas of quiet happiness, and the memories we shared in such a short time. I miss you. You’re not here, but I’m ok with that. Maybe one day.
I won’t put you through this tonight. You’ve lost enough sleep, and so have I.
But then again I melted. I remembered that soft laugh. I’m still melting at the thought of those tiny moments. Your lips, soft with a wet mouth. Blocked mine from saying I love you. Blocked mine from painting the scene of how much I’ve missed you this closing year. Two more months, can I have this one last time? Two more months, will it spark you at 10:00? Maybe not, but if so, it would be nice to know. It would be nice to see you for a third day. Maybe I can paint the picture as honestly as possible, physical and mental. Maybe I can infuse that spark, if only I feel it myself. On the third day, my body will be ready, my heart will be open, ready to re-break itself, and my mind will be at…rest.